Adoption - No Longer A Hidden Factor

How often have you looked on your Ancestry.com site or gone through old records and seen the 'a' following a person's name?  Tho legal adoption began in the mid 1800's, the first actual adoption agency didn't open until around 1930.   From what I found, there are no 'a' markings until after that time; and I bet those were added much more recently by a generations that is more acceptable of the process. 

Do you remember movies that had the 'tadaaa' moment when a teenager or an adult fell to mass depression or totally flipped out, over finding out that dear old dad was not their blood family.  There are movies like The Orphanage that depicts the worst of the worst scenario.  Do you ever wonder about why the 'child' was never told or why the reaction was so dramatic?  And then there are more positive movies like Annie and Despicable Me.  True or make believe - results can go either way.

This whole subject is important for my research of the past and the present.  I have a close friend who didn't know until he was an adult and his mother was dying, that he was adopted.  There were a lot of mixed feelings for him.  First, a mass amount of  emotional pain in the fact that his mother had not been  honest with him.  Second, a huge relief that his gut feeling, all of his life, that he didn't fit into the family the way the rest of the kids did, was not unwarranted. Not to mention that he felt that his 'father' had never treated him the same way he treated the rest of the kids in the family   He knew what no one would tell him.  He was just a little different.  Not as much as many.  His mom was his blood mother.  But his dad had adopted him when they married and he was only two years old.  

Today it is an important to me since I now have an adopted grandson.  Here's a bit of the background.

He was adopted at birth by my daughter and her husband in a private adoption.  The expecting mother was a 'slightly known' to them and claimed that she just couldn't handle raising this child.  She claimed that the father of the child, who was a short fling type person,  was aware of her pregnancy but didn't want the responsibility either.  So, it was just a waiting game for the baby to arrive.  My daughter and her husband has visions of this son they were waiting for.  Birth mom is very tall, and light complected, and the father was pretty much the same.  My daughter and her husband are both on the shorter side but medium complected also.  The is all going to turn out pretty well.  Right?  Can you see where I am going yet?

Big day arrives and this bouncing baby boy is beautiful and healthy with just a little more color to his skin than expected.  Well, now birth mom reveals that she had done just a little holiday celebrating with a neighborhood guy.  Her words  - "You know that really tall American Indian guy that you see walking down the street some times?"  Well, it must be his.  Looks like there may be another father to inform of his rights  or at least do the 'inform' part.  A few weeks pass by and there is now, a new theory in play.  This baby boy seems to be just a wee bit darker than you would expect from parents who are blond and American Indian.  Just a wee bit dark.  With a bit of curls beginning in the hair.

Needless to say, there was still another possibility and another man who didn't want the responsibility of a child.  And it is now know for sure, or as sure as anyone can be, that the father is over  6'6" tall and is a very large man.  Could this be any different than my daughter and her husband.  If anyone has ever considered hiding the fact that this child is adopted - - -  well, you get the picture. 

At this point, you must think this is just a post about a strange situation that can  happen with private adoption.  Or any adoption. Or about the uncertainties that come with any adoption.  But it is not.  The true issue here is about how the child is told that he is adopted.  I don't believe any web site could tell you the best way or the correct way.  There's way too many factors to consider.   Without a doubt, the adoption factor should never be hidden.  The outcome could never be a positive one.

As of now, the adopted grandson just turned 4 years old, is as tall as any 6 year old, will probably be able to palm a basketball by the time he is 8 and seems to be well on his way to having more rhythm than anyone else in the family.   He has been raised in a home where the word 'adoption' is not hidden or avoided.  But it has not been a subject of direct conversation with him either.  This conversation will have to happen sooner than later.  Like most kids, he hears everything that is happening around him, even if he doesn't seem to.   A few weeks ago, as I was checking out at the local Circle K, the woman there asked if this was the little adopted grandson that she had heard about.   Well, this little guy looks at the cashier and said, "I'm not adopted.  I'm Chase!".  So - the time has come for a bit more in depth conversation with this child.  


So this takes me back to some of the questions on how to handle an adoption on Ancestry.com or any other family site.   If the birth parents are known, are they included any place on the family tree list?  When an adoption is from birth and there is no record of the birth parents, are they to go unmentioned?  Is the 'a' an adequate symbol with no other mention?  If there is an adopted child in the family, and the family does not openly admit it, is it the responsibility of the person who is building a background of the family, to 'not' include the (a) on the site?

For me, I am glad I will not have to make that decision.